I have been going back and forth, but today is a day when I feel pretty certain that I don't want a PhD in History. In fact I'm not sure I want a PhD at all. I don't want to be exploited again, and academia is currently the definition of an exploitative industry. Of course, there are no industries that aren't exploitive. There's that as well. I've never wanted to be an entrepreneur, I don't fancy the additional strain of having to sell myself or my services - I would much prefer the stability of being able to turn up for a job that isn't horrible and earning enough to take care of myself. 

Academia is not stable - although I appreciate the work that I get to do, I fear that the financial and professional insecurity would shred me up just as effectively as having a job that was more financially and professionally stable but wrung me out completely with the reality of a useless life. Of course the question then is, what kind of jobs are there that I would enjoy and appreciate, but also provide financial and professional security? I'm not a STEM type of person. I'm also not a salesperson (which seems to be the only value the marketplace has for the humanities or social sciences - understand people better to sell shit to them). I'm not young. I'm in my late 30s and I need to start building up that security net and savings pot now. I should have started building it way before now, but it wasn't for lack of trying. 

I'm certainly not returning to my old line of work though, and I suppose some of the unsettlement I feel now is simply not knowing where to go next. I don't want to hear that I'm still young and I can keep trying new things until I eventually find one - I'm tired. I want whatever I do next to be 'the' one. The one that can be settled with, the one that I won't hate doing every day but provides security. To be honest, if I didn't have to work I'd also be more than happy with that option. 

I feel like I grew up with a form of feminism that defined empowerment through employment. I get why that was the case, getting employment means a lot when the previous status quo was *not being allowed to work*, having to overly rely on others, and thus be extremely vulnerable in one's safety. I want to be empowered, I just wish it wasn't dependent on external things that I'm not all that sure I'm keen on. I'm too young and privileged to be this tired, but this is where I am right now because I cannot think of a solution to this mess I've made of my life. 

This pandemic has been so filled with loss. It's inevitable I suppose, in such circumstances, to question the meaning of one's life, the value of a life, the worth of a person. There is freedom in the meaningless of life because we are allowed to define our own values of what it should mean. I don't even know what those values are anymore.